Father:
While reading your redemption story in the Old Testament, I am absolutely terrified of you. Not in a an awe inspiring, regal, standing-in-front-of-the-President terror. No, a genuinely, I want to hide like scared child tucked as tightly and far back in the closet as possible while the robbers rummage through the house. Scared that in a single moment, you could wipe my existence entirely from the books of history all because I have sinned. I have done you wrong.
And yet, in a paradox of sorts, my fear is left on the side of the road because when you beckon, I have no choice in the matter. My muscles betray me and force me to take step after step towards my own demise. Knowing this, knowing that if I were to be killed by anyone, I would want it to be you, my maker. So my soul cringes, waiting to be struck and only to find a warm embrace of grace, a forgiveness that passes all sense of mortal justice.
I have every reason to be in this place again, because I am created and you are Creator. It was destined from the very start of my existence and a calling in my daily life. With every breath, I find myself wanting this terrible thing, this Holy and Mighty, all consuming presence...all that is You. I want to be here.
And you can't have half of the redemption story because your son's sacrifice has purified my deepest stains. Bleached me to the bone. No longer a white washed tomb, but deeply, thoroughly cleaned child of God. All my fears tempered by the grace of Christ, who gave his life to save me from the fate I deserved.
Yet, I wonder. I am not a Jew. I am a Gentile. You came for the Jews, right? Those are your words, echoed in Your scriptures, something we so easily forget. But, yet you have drawn me in, pulled me close to your embrace, sheltered me time & time again from the harsh fray, and have called me your own. Your sacrifice wasn't for the Jews. Nor was it for the Gentiles. It was for humanity, your creation. It was that we would all come at your beckoning call.
I have heard that call, but still can not say with any sort of honesty that "all I need is you." I need my wife. I need her everyday, though she may not realize it. She is a source of comfort and the object of my affections. She has taught me that love is not simply a feeling but a choice. That you can love someone beyond their character and that you can know someone so much deeper than the surface. I need my children. They give me a sense of responsibility and a instill within me a deep joy and have redefined what it means to truly love, agape, unconditionally love someone. The instance they were born, I was in love. They had done nothing for me and I had a deep desire to fulfill their every need. They are a beautiful gift and one that will treasure until my last breath.
And through my family, I realize that all I need is you. I am those children in your eyes. I am that "bride" that Christ went to the cross for. I am loved.
Thank you for putting up with my fears and loving me all the same. Thank you for loving me beyond my doubts and short comings.
- Amen
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While reading your redemption story in the Old Testament, I am absolutely terrified of you. Not in a an awe inspiring, regal, standing-in-front-of-the-President terror. No, a genuinely, I want to hide like scared child tucked as tightly and far back in the closet as possible while the robbers rummage through the house. Scared that in a single moment, you could wipe my existence entirely from the books of history all because I have sinned. I have done you wrong.
And yet, in a paradox of sorts, my fear is left on the side of the road because when you beckon, I have no choice in the matter. My muscles betray me and force me to take step after step towards my own demise. Knowing this, knowing that if I were to be killed by anyone, I would want it to be you, my maker. So my soul cringes, waiting to be struck and only to find a warm embrace of grace, a forgiveness that passes all sense of mortal justice.
I have every reason to be in this place again, because I am created and you are Creator. It was destined from the very start of my existence and a calling in my daily life. With every breath, I find myself wanting this terrible thing, this Holy and Mighty, all consuming presence...all that is You. I want to be here.
And you can't have half of the redemption story because your son's sacrifice has purified my deepest stains. Bleached me to the bone. No longer a white washed tomb, but deeply, thoroughly cleaned child of God. All my fears tempered by the grace of Christ, who gave his life to save me from the fate I deserved.
Yet, I wonder. I am not a Jew. I am a Gentile. You came for the Jews, right? Those are your words, echoed in Your scriptures, something we so easily forget. But, yet you have drawn me in, pulled me close to your embrace, sheltered me time & time again from the harsh fray, and have called me your own. Your sacrifice wasn't for the Jews. Nor was it for the Gentiles. It was for humanity, your creation. It was that we would all come at your beckoning call.
I have heard that call, but still can not say with any sort of honesty that "all I need is you." I need my wife. I need her everyday, though she may not realize it. She is a source of comfort and the object of my affections. She has taught me that love is not simply a feeling but a choice. That you can love someone beyond their character and that you can know someone so much deeper than the surface. I need my children. They give me a sense of responsibility and a instill within me a deep joy and have redefined what it means to truly love, agape, unconditionally love someone. The instance they were born, I was in love. They had done nothing for me and I had a deep desire to fulfill their every need. They are a beautiful gift and one that will treasure until my last breath.
And through my family, I realize that all I need is you. I am those children in your eyes. I am that "bride" that Christ went to the cross for. I am loved.
Thank you for putting up with my fears and loving me all the same. Thank you for loving me beyond my doubts and short comings.
- Amen
Over the course of my life, God has expressed His grace through various friendships that have sheltered me from the damage of a dysfunctional family environment. Some of these friends I hear from through assorted social media outlets, while others are just a memory longing for another tangible connection. This is by no means an exhaustive list, but a starter to those I wish I had kept in touch with:
Katrina Celeste Stutts. I am sure her last name has changed since our child hood. Nevertheless, Katrina was my very best friend growing up. We both lived in the trailer park together, where her family sold mobile homes. These memories take me back to LaGrange, GA where summers were filled with roller blading and Super Mario Brother 3. Man we loved that game! Katrina was a solid foundation of friendship (nothing romantic) in an otherwise unstable world. I just enjoyed hanging out with Katrina. I also remember thinking she was rich because her family owned a double-wide trailer.
Spanky. I don't know his real name. He moved into the same trailer park and probably was more of a bad influence than anything. Nevertheless, he was a good friend. I remember distinctly one time where he got a new pair of Nike shoes. Back then at our school, you were "cool" if you owned a pair. My family couldn't afford them, so we were never in the "in" crowd. So, when Spanky bought a new pair, he gave me his old pair. The other kids at school asked if they were Spanky's old shoes and he denied it to save me the embarrassment. He also took me to Florida, all expenses paid, to go to the beach one summer. Great memories.
Gary Beagle. Actually had the opportunity to reconnect with him over Facebook. We lived in the lower income housing together in Mineral Wells, Texas. He introduced me to comic books and really started my collection. My favorite memory was covering an entire wall in comic books by hanging them from their sleeves (some sort of sin to collectors, I'm sure). He was a best friend and was someone I could just hang out without any worries. His mom, sister, and brother-in-law kind of took me in and felt "at home" at his house. Eventually, Gary was sent to a boys ranch and we lost touch.
Mason Matthews. He's the whole reason I went to Wayland University. The summer before we went to college, I was over at his house constantly. His mom made some amazing home made bread. Again, my fondest memories are just hanging out. Oh, and dorm wars. Mason always tried tying me up while I was sleeping in bed. I repaid him kindly by sliding bologna under his dormitory door while he was gone for the week.
Calvary Baptist Youth. So many memories of my friends over at Calvary. Many of our youth group are on Facebook, so I am able to keep in touch. This group of friends was a solid rock during high school. They took me in and loved me through my Junior and Senior years. We spent Saturday nights doing a Bible study that we lead, many nights on the trampoline, and my last night with them was a bonfire out in the country. I honestly could never thank that group enough for memories, encouragement, and constant friendship they showed me.
Chris Brown. Perhaps the one friendship that changed my entire course of life. Chris was my absolute best friend through High School. The guy constantly paid for me when we ate out, was constantly encouraging me, and was closer than a brother. We did so much stupid stuff together from making stop action videos to countless hours of Command & Conquer and programming IQ Tests in BASIC. I remember listening to Jesus Freak for the first time with Chris and many memories in the swimming pool. In fact, I lived with the Browns through out the last year of High School. The whole family (love you Kara, Vicki, & Calvin!) took me in, fed me, celebrated holidays with me, and honestly made me feel like one of their own.
So what friends come to your mind while reading this?
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Katrina Celeste Stutts. I am sure her last name has changed since our child hood. Nevertheless, Katrina was my very best friend growing up. We both lived in the trailer park together, where her family sold mobile homes. These memories take me back to LaGrange, GA where summers were filled with roller blading and Super Mario Brother 3. Man we loved that game! Katrina was a solid foundation of friendship (nothing romantic) in an otherwise unstable world. I just enjoyed hanging out with Katrina. I also remember thinking she was rich because her family owned a double-wide trailer.
Spanky. I don't know his real name. He moved into the same trailer park and probably was more of a bad influence than anything. Nevertheless, he was a good friend. I remember distinctly one time where he got a new pair of Nike shoes. Back then at our school, you were "cool" if you owned a pair. My family couldn't afford them, so we were never in the "in" crowd. So, when Spanky bought a new pair, he gave me his old pair. The other kids at school asked if they were Spanky's old shoes and he denied it to save me the embarrassment. He also took me to Florida, all expenses paid, to go to the beach one summer. Great memories.
Gary Beagle. Actually had the opportunity to reconnect with him over Facebook. We lived in the lower income housing together in Mineral Wells, Texas. He introduced me to comic books and really started my collection. My favorite memory was covering an entire wall in comic books by hanging them from their sleeves (some sort of sin to collectors, I'm sure). He was a best friend and was someone I could just hang out without any worries. His mom, sister, and brother-in-law kind of took me in and felt "at home" at his house. Eventually, Gary was sent to a boys ranch and we lost touch.
Mason Matthews. He's the whole reason I went to Wayland University. The summer before we went to college, I was over at his house constantly. His mom made some amazing home made bread. Again, my fondest memories are just hanging out. Oh, and dorm wars. Mason always tried tying me up while I was sleeping in bed. I repaid him kindly by sliding bologna under his dormitory door while he was gone for the week.
Calvary Baptist Youth. So many memories of my friends over at Calvary. Many of our youth group are on Facebook, so I am able to keep in touch. This group of friends was a solid rock during high school. They took me in and loved me through my Junior and Senior years. We spent Saturday nights doing a Bible study that we lead, many nights on the trampoline, and my last night with them was a bonfire out in the country. I honestly could never thank that group enough for memories, encouragement, and constant friendship they showed me.
Chris Brown. Perhaps the one friendship that changed my entire course of life. Chris was my absolute best friend through High School. The guy constantly paid for me when we ate out, was constantly encouraging me, and was closer than a brother. We did so much stupid stuff together from making stop action videos to countless hours of Command & Conquer and programming IQ Tests in BASIC. I remember listening to Jesus Freak for the first time with Chris and many memories in the swimming pool. In fact, I lived with the Browns through out the last year of High School. The whole family (love you Kara, Vicki, & Calvin!) took me in, fed me, celebrated holidays with me, and honestly made me feel like one of their own.
So what friends come to your mind while reading this?
This is what it looks like from my window at the moment. It is a building that my company bought and is remodeling as our new office space in 2012.
Today at lunch, I noticed something about the workers. They were spread out on multiple floors each doing their own job. And if you watched long enough two workers would pass each other at the exact same moment, just on different floors. Neither one of them realized it either because there was no communication and their perspective was finitely bound to the floor they were on.
I wonder if this is how God views time, existing outside of it and watching our parallel lives happening day in and day out. At any point, God knows when something is going to happen that will impact both workers because He has the full picture. This is a reminder that I can trust Him in every situation because my perspective on the issue is so limited.
How often have you found yourself using the phrase, "why is God putting me through this?" Often it is during the trials of life and we rarely see it as an opportunity. Instead it is just another thing added to the insurmountable pile of responsibilities. This perspective is distorted.
God doesn't "put" people through things. Christ always "leads" (being the King of Kings and all). So instead of asking why he is putting us through something, we should ask why is He leading me through this?
That change of words has a powerful implication. Instead of you blindly stumbling through the obstacle, feeling beaten and worthless left to your own devices, you are in fact empowered to follow in His foot steps, treading on a solid foundation laid out by His experiences. Christ put it this way:
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God doesn't "put" people through things. Christ always "leads" (being the King of Kings and all). So instead of asking why he is putting us through something, we should ask why is He leading me through this?
That change of words has a powerful implication. Instead of you blindly stumbling through the obstacle, feeling beaten and worthless left to your own devices, you are in fact empowered to follow in His foot steps, treading on a solid foundation laid out by His experiences. Christ put it this way:
"If the people of this world hate you, just remember that they hated me first. If you belonged to the world, its people would love you. But you don’t belong to the world. I have chosen you to leave the world behind, and that is why its people hate you. Remember how I told you that servants are not greater than their master. So if people mistreat me, they will mistreat you. If they do what I say, they will do what you say. People will do to you exactly what they did to me. They will do it because you belong to me, and they don’t know the one who sent me." - Jesus Christ qtd in John 18.
