It started back when I got married & decided to settle down. This ever growing stagnation of my faith, that was compounded year after year as the endless responsibilities of life piled on my task lists. With each child, that list grew and began shifting my attention from the radical relationship I had with God my Father to my ever present list of duties. At first, the blame seems to lie with marriage, parenthood and my career path but this is far from the truth. Cast that thought out as a boomerang, only to watch it return asking for a better definition of what really happened with your faith.
The truth is: I'm lazy when it comes to my faith. When my responsibilities grew, then my faith should have as well, making it a higher priority to spend time in the Word, prayer & cultivating my dependency on Christ. But at the end of weary days, I spent my time escaping in books, video games, and household chores. My heart's desires changed. I was no longer excited about the pilgrimage of my faith and instead began looking for heaven on earth. The end result is a constant stream of stress and guilt, having not lived up to the model I expected to be for my children. Furthermore, my wife suffers from a burnt out husband who is just tired at the end of the day.
Paul captured this same thought process in 1 Corinthians:
Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it.
Don't stop mid-pilgrimage but continue running long after your legs give way. When you're out of breath, press on and do not give into the world's facade of comfort & rest. For that rest is found only in Christ, who is in heaven sitting next to the right hand of the Father. Therefore, heaven will not be found on earth but in him and we must continue pursuit.
I have come to two polar opposites both of which incorporate the vast expanse of oceans as an expression of either my confusion or complacency in my spiritual walk.
Spiritual Confusion
God has always been just in my eyes regardless of what life throws my way. That's not to say that I always responded with a patient understanding of His purpose in pushing me through those storms. In fact, sometimes the storm feels like an overwhelming torrent, drowning out the sun and any hope of life returning to normal. I believe we call this state of mind, "Worn." Long days and nights, relentlessly needy children, burdensome budgets, and all the realms of chaos beyond our control.
Several years ago, a blogger friend of mine (Asher) introduced me to a song by Lifehouse entitled Storm. It sums up the feelings of confusion, accompanied by a bewildered trust in God:
Too Complacency
There is a polar opposite to feeling overwhelmed: stagnant complacency. It happens in the rut of every day life as well. Those places in my spiritual walk when the assurance of God's love & forgiveness becomes a "Get out of Jail" card and my priorities fall to the wayside. I no longer pursue Him because I've become comfortable ... very comfortable with the lack of accountability, the avoidance of discipline, the pursuit of pleasure.
Sometimes a stagnant faith is cured by boarding a boat to the middle of Galilee and stepping out on the water, where feet have no grip, no foundation of which to walk upon and faith is assured to fail. As the cold reality of your comfortableness begins to suffocate you, you look up to see Christ extending His hand and asking why you ever doubted. In those moments, your faith is renewed and you want those moments of terror, faith built on the unseen, those times when you can not see anything but the next step be it water or concrete. I came across WorshipMob doing a cover of Hillsong's Ocean that puts into words exactly what my heart aches to express in those moments:
It is probably the only article I have ever read where something healthy came out of an obsession with a video game character. Marcus Dickinson became so infatuated with the character he created that he made healthy lifestyle changes to imitate his character resulting in an incredible 45lb weight loss. It is as if he had a transformation of the mind that altered his sense of reality. Losing weight became a life or death situation.
In the same process, we are called to cultivate an identity change through our life with Christ. Pounds of old baggage fall off in the difficult transition to a lifestyle that is focused on becoming more like Him. Paul put it this way:
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. - Romans 12:2
It is not an easy process by any stretch of the term. As you read through Marcus' story, you realize that he went through intense changes from waking up at 5:30 AM every day to working out so hard it made him vomit. At one point, he rationalized that losing weight and being fit was a matter of life & death. Likewise, we can draw on that same principle to transform our identity in Christ. Following so hard after Him that we are compelled to change.
The waiting room. Probably the last place any person wants to find themselves. It is an intriguing mixture of hope and despair depending on your current disposition. For the patient, there is hope that a doctor is waiting to cure them, heal their ailments or prescribe some sense of relief from the constant aches and pains. On the other end, if you are the friend or relative, you are waiting, pacing the floor to hear an answer...anything that assures you that your loved one is alright. If you are a child, it is a scary place as you watch the clock tick-toc by counting down to those dreadful needles. It all depends on where you are at.
I find that our prayer lives often reflect the same:
For some of us, prayer is a time of hope, patiently waiting for God to heal us of both physical and spiritual ailments. We know whatever answer the physician gives, it is the best possible answer and solution.
For others, prayer is frustratingly unfamiliar...almost like it is a waste of our time. We become numb, banging our heads against the wall until we realize that we are the only ones with a head ache. Our prayers stop at the ceiling (or so it seems) and we grow impatient waiting for the physician's answer.
There are those of us who take trepidatious steps across the threshold of God's throne because we wallow in the shameful ebb of our own sins, waiting to hear some awful made up news like "god doesn't want you". So far down the rabbit hole that we talk ourselves out of the waiting room altogether, willing to suffer with a lifelong disease than have the surgery to go through with it.
Still some think the trip is too expensive. We falsely believe that we have to fix our own ailments for God to accept us, writing our own insurance policy before we approach him.
Truthfully reader, I have found myself in all these places. Deep within my soul though, I long for the first scenario, waiting in patience and trusting completely what He has to say. Isaiah understood this when he wrote:
but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall
mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they
shall walk and not faint. (40:31 ESV)
Solitude is very rare in my house. Once upon a time not too long ago, my daily shower was perfect for solitude, meditation, prayer & intimate conversations with the Creator. That time has now been invaded by the sound of angry toddler beating on the door, begging to get in, even though he took a bath 30 minutes ago. Often, late night scripture reading is broken by the oldest child wanting water or the middle child trying to coerce us into letting her sleep anywhere but her own bed. Not that I hold it against the children. I love the very much and appreciate the short amount of years I have with them. And to be honest with myself, I probably sound the same to Father God, barging in on a conversation with a prayer that started without silent contemplation or seeking His presence, but rather dove right into whatever ailed me at the time.
Yet that doesn't stop me from pursuing the precious gem. Henri Nouwen once said in his book on solitude, that "The secret of Jesus' ministry is hidden in solitude." and I think its true. We find in the scriptures that Christ sought a place free of distractions when it came to his conversation time with the Father. His desire wasn't born out of annoyance with others, but out of deep affection for His father. So deep that every conversation was as important to Him as two people deep in conversation and love. So deep that the world seems to fade as if the other person is the only one there and you simply want to be alone with them. You are drawn into their presence, the sound of their voice, the gentle nuances that make your relationship with them so special. Even if it is just a close friend and not a spouse, you still desire those quiet moments you share.
So in my house, I have to pursue solitude in other forms and I think I found one that suits me. Back in the 6th grade, my teacher gave us the assignment of writing a daily journal. For some it was probably torture, but for me it was pure delight. I loved journaling and I kept it up until the start of my blogging days. I allowed by blog to take the place of my journal because I could carry a conversation on with people like you. I still enjoy that aspect of it, but at some point there are just things about me that I am not willing to share with the general public. Furthermore, it is a lot more difficult to focus on a conversation with God in a public forum. So I picked up the pen the other night and started writing, filling page after page, when I realized I was lost in solitude. Lost in quietness, drawn in as the ink splashed on the page.
So reader, what creative ways have you found solitude?
John captures a remarkable moment in history in the second chapter of his gospel story. In it, we are told that Christ was at a wedding, wherein the host ran out of wine. Jesus being none other than Christ chose at that moment to transform several jars of water into remarkable wine.
I don't think it was an accident that Christ chose turning water into wine as His first miracle. Think about it reader. He had eons to mull this over & Christ chose this exact instance. What does that say to us? Well part of the answer is in the guests' response. Normally, the hosts serves the best wine first and then as his guests get wasted, they bring out the lower quality wine. Not Christ. Once He starts a good work in you, he will complete it to finish. And it will be His finest work, seeing you beyond the broken, tasteless vessel you are, & realizing what He meant you to be from the very beginning of your life - full of flavor.
Beyond this I think we have to look at the social context of this scripture. He chose a wedding! Of all the times in history, He chose a wedding! Does this not shadow the intimacy that the Father desires with us? Maybe I've missed something all these years. I have always had this notion that He is my Father and I can relate to Him, when I need advice or am having a bad day. But there's more to this relationship. There is more to this life, a purpose beyond my career & family...an intimate story.
Then we move forward in the Gospel story and are blown away by Communion at "The Last Supper". Christ knew before He performed the first miracle that this day would come and that thousands of year later we would continue to memorialize that peculiar feast of bread & wine. It is such a layered story that he left us dear reader!
So the question then is do I (read: you) feel filled with water or wine? I would say I am mostly water. That answer doesn't come from humility either. It comes from an honest & selfish heart. I continue to teeter on that edge of doing something great & falling back to what feels safe. I am honestly so lost in this relationship that I don't know the next step. I've "lost that loving feeling" and feel very held back.
What about you reader? Do you feel more like water or wine? What can you do to bring about change?
There are three lakes that feed the water supply here in Midland, Texas: Lake Spence, Lake J.B. Thomas, & Lake Ivie. All three lakes were at record lows at the beginning of 2011 with less than 3%, 6%, & 33% respectively. In fact, we rely heavily on the Colorado River Municipal Water District to supply most of the water to our drought stricken city. Water restrictions enforce us to only water the lawn for 2 hours a week on certain days. Some of us have resorted to installing low-flush toilets, taking showers with 5 gallon buckets to capture excess water, and running gray water out to the lawn.
So it comes as no surprise that we were all very thankful for the recent rainfall. In fact, this has been the wettest season I've seen since I have lived in Midland. In fact, the first time it rained after the drought, I took the kids outside to have a party on the porch and thank our God for the blessing.
As I was thinking about our fortune, I couldn't help but think about the misfortune elsewhere. While we were gratefully enjoying the down pour, hurricanes Nadine, Kristy & Tropical Depression Twelve-E are slamming our coasts on all sides. Understandably, residents along the coast line are not as excited about the rain as Midland residents.
Thinking about this makes me appreciate God's grace & discipline. He doesn't answer every prayer with yes and He has the whole "thing" sorted out. He knows when our blessings cause others to hurt (because of sin) and while we experience blessings in life, it is a reminder that we are still dependent on Him. Those less fortunate should be ever present on our minds as we continue to lift them up in prayer, seeking to meet their needs from the excess outpouring in our own lives. We should be thankful & enjoy what God has given us, but never at the expense of humbleness & compassion.
Your first inclination is probably that I like free shirts, because well, they're free! Sounds like a no-brainer, but I think there is more to it than just the price tag. At the very base of this gift giving is the meeting of a human need on it's most fundamental level. And beyond that, you are doing it at a sacrificial cost to yourself. I know shirts are only $10, but if you multiply that times 10+ (hundreds for events), then you have a substantial cost.
I think I have always been sensitive free clothing because I grew up in poverty. When I went to college at the age of 17, I was the first person in my immediate family to graduate from high school. Not only that, but I was paying for college on my own (read: taking out loans). I had no financial support from home, so the decisions, budget, etc. was on my shoulders. During my first few years at college, I worked through the student worker program and brought home $25 a paycheck after all my tuition/bills were paid. My socks had holes in them, my clothing was eclectic to say the least, and I loved free shirt.
Mind you reader, this was the late 90's and internet was just starting to become popular. I created my first e-mail account in 1997. A thought occurred to me while doing so, "I could enter free t-shirt contests online." That I did. Lots of them. And my efforts paid off when a shirt with this fellow rolled into my campus mailbox:
The contest was simple. The makers of Cherryman started a story and it was up to the participants to finish it by entering a blurb that ended with a leading sentence, so the next guy could add their bit and so forth. I don't remember what I wrote, but it was good enough to win me a free shirt!
All that to say that the next time you win a free shirt, be grateful. Paul put it this way, "I've learned to be content in whatever situation I am in." (Phillipians 4:11)
That picture is a clip from website I stumbled upon. What angered me was the blatant disregard for the context in which the scripture was written in the first place. The more I thought about it, the more I realized the irony in the whole situation. The site is promoting humanism while offending humans with a disregard for their religious beliefs (Judeo-Christian beliefs weren't the only ones attacked).
Paul was dealing with a culture of Jews that were just converted to Christianity in its infancy. Judaism has a largely patriarchal mindset and as such, I am certain there were problems with women who once they became Christians had a new understanding of their relationship with God and thus spoke "with authority". Theologists have gone back and forth about whether this scripture (I Timothy 2) was applicable just to Paul's local church or whether it should be applied to every Church. I honestly don't know the answer, but that is not the point of the post.
My point is that this site took a single scripture and made out it to mean that Christians are against equality, which is clearly not the case. We are told that in the Kingdom, there is neither "There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus." in Galatians 3:28 (which also happens to be authored by Paul). Furthermore, there are multiple examples through out scripture were women played a significant role.
Furthermore, they bolded the word "submission" as if it were a bad thing. We all need submission to authority. In fact, my last two supervisors were both female, neither of which I have had a problem with. Submission & authority is built into the human hierarchy. We need it in order to sustain the society we currently live in and enjoy the fruits of our labor. Even if everyone was equal (which they are not: some are poor, some rich, some beautiful, some ugly, some fit, some slobs, etc.) they would still have to submit to someone in order to function in society.
If only we could take the -ism out, I think we (read: Christians) could find some common ground with them. Humanism is open to interpretation, but it is primarily the belief that the focus should be placed on humans and their potential rather than the divine. It has obvious atheistic connotations, all off which I wholeheartedly disagree with. However, there is something to be said for the fact that we were created in God's image & with that understanding is that humans are indeed important in the grand scheme of things. I believe all Christians can agree with our humanists brethren in regards to the equality of "certain inalienable rights" especially within the context of social justice.
I somehow always finding myself quoting Justin Martyr, "All truth is borrowed truth." Their perspective is not unique or new. We would most certainly never advocate the victimization of anyone. However, their philosophy is derived from the value of humans, where as ours is driven from the fact that we were made in God's image.
Lesson learned: never quote something out of context without noting the irony?
By now, you've heard and seen the photos, watch the videos, and read the numerous stories about the tragic opening of the Batman: The Dark Knight Rises in Auroro, Colorado. My initial emotional reaction was similar to the same feelings I had when I first heard about the Columbine shootings back in 1999. I was ANGRY.
And the target of my anger was Satan, Lucifer, the fallen, deceptive, "angel of light" who wreaks havoc on our lives. My response back then and was earlier this week, "why can't Satan just go to hell and leave us alone." We screw up enough on our own without his intervention. What could possibly motivate him to do even more damage in our lives? Are we as humans that much of a threat?
Sadly...no. The truth is that you and I are worthless in Satan's eyes. Yet, there is one connection that keeps us on his evil radar: God loves us. It was never about you or me reader. It has always and will ever be about Him, God the Father, Creator and lover of the one creation made in His image: humans. So Satan wreaks havoc in our lives, influencing the evil in this world, because his greatest desire is to usurp God's authority in our lives: be it a day at school or an evening at the movie theaters.
In West Texas, there is a culprit that returns to our beloved backyards every summer: grass burrs. The problem is that in their early stages, the look like normal grass. So naturally, you fertilize them, water them, mow them along with all your other grass. Before long, you have a lush (read: semi-habitable) lawn that tricks you into stepping onto it with your bare feet. That is until the sharp pain in your sole alerts your whole body to the fact that there are indeed menaces growing right along with the grass.
My son and I were busy pulling these by the roots when it dawned on me that the habitual sin in my own life is just like the grass burrs. I feed & water them along with all the other habits in my life, until it produces pain not only for myself, but those who care enough to tread into my life. And the only effective treatment for these types of problems is to pull it from the root.
Pulling the root of a habitual sin is a rather painful process. It required me to acknowledge in front of those I love that I had a problem with the sin in the first place. Yet in the end, it is so worth it. We often allow that habitual sin to fester and grow until the whole back yard is full of weeds and we suddenly don't want to invite anyone over, at least not in that are of our life. And every time we try to "fix" that one nagging sin, we get overwhelmed and shut the fence door, hoping that some how it will just go away. When what we really need is a friend to step and pull the weeds with us. Not some chemical spray that we hope will get rid of it. But actually down on our hands and knees pulling & pricking our finger tips until the lawn is grass burr free. Until our lives are habitual sin free.
I sincerely hope reader that you find yourself in the same place that I found today while pulling the weeds...downright angry with the sin in your life and ready to do something about it.
It happened on the outskirts of Lamesa. That dreaded moment when you realize that had you planned better, things would have went smoother. But I hadn't planned for this. I was too busy focusing on getting my family home from the Children's hospital in Lubbock.
Prior to this dreaded moment, my wife had taken the kids on a field trip to a dairy about 2 hours outside of town, near Lubbock. She called me later that morning, because our daughter had a strange rash & had passed out at dairy. They took her to the Children's hospital and the doctors believed she had a virus and it would go away on its own. Naturally, I jumped into the truck and drove the 2 hours to meet them in the hospital.
Exhausted mentally from the unexpected trip, I had forgotten to put gas in the truck on the way back and now there was an ominous yellow light burning a whole in my retina, mocking me with a constant message that I was indeed out of gas.
The next gas station was 40 miles away.
So I began to think in 3's at that point. If we ended up 20 minutes outside of town, that would set us back an hour:
20 mins to gas station + 20 mins back to the car + 20 minutes into town = 60 minutes of tired children, a screaming toddler, & a exhausted wife.
The littlest of set backs at this point would have sent us over the edge. So, we prayed. And as we pulled into the gas station with the ominous yellow light, I was very grateful that God had intervened. The funny thing is that I had every ounce in confidence that He would. There was no guessing or hoping. I just understood that He would take care of this problem, that we needed Him, and my faith was strong in this decision. I would have been more shocked if He chose not to intervene.
As I thought about this confidence, it opened my eyes up to a whole new world of prayer options. Why am I not this desperate/confident in other aspects of my life? Think about how much more radical of a father, husband, co-worker, friend, etc. I could be if I exerted the same amount of faith in His leadership in my life. While I walked away grateful for the gas, I also walked away convicted.
A couple of weeks ago, I was on my way into a public restroom stall when some lettering caught my eye on the bottom of the lid. Stuck to the lid was a single word...
... Church.
A flood of spiritual implications invaded my mind about the spiritual parallels of this one single sticker so creatively placed in a public bathroom stall. The Church in many cases is hyperbolically likened to toilet:
The Church is probably one of the last things on the minds of millions of people, yet, it is a basic necessity.
The Church is a place to flush all the crap (pun intended) out of your life as you leave your burdens on the alter.
The Church is in almost every place (public or private) of life because it is made up of humans who work in all aspects of life.
The Church is faithfully waiting, day in and day out. No run away toilets around here!
The Church is dependable as no one has ever wondered if their toilet is going to hold out on them this time.
The Church is made up of sinners who at times can clog up when they forget their real purpose.
The Church comes in a variety of shapes, sizes, & colors; yet it serves one purpose.
Last week, I was on a business trip in New Mexico where I stumbled upon an article in the local newspaper detailing the outbreak of moths this season. It caught my attention because we were having a similar outbreak back home. While talking to a friend, he mentioned that his daughter was out at the park and when to use the bathroom. Within seconds of entering the restroom, she screamed at the top of her lungs because the walls & stalls were covered in the winged pest. The cause of the problem appears to be the unusually warm winter that did not kill off as many moth larvae as it typically does in the colder season.The result is an infestation of moths in biblical proportions.
In 1859, Thomas Austin released 24 European rabbits into the wild of Australia in hopes that he would have game to hunt each year. European rabbits have no natural predators in Australia and the result was an epidemic population explosion of rabbits similar to moths we are experiencing now. They have grown since that time at a rate of approximately 80 miles in diameter virtually covering the entire continent. In 1926, over 10 billion rabbits had been reported as they wiped out vegetation, destroying farms to the point of abandonment. As a result, scientists released a virus that targeted the European rabbits known as myxomatosis, killing approximately 99% of the rabbit population. Thomas Austin had no idea of the widespread destruction he would cause for releasing game for his sport.
In both cases, I can not help but see a direct analogy to rapid growth of sin that "so easily entangles" as the author of the book of Hebrews describes. Even our unintentional and personal sins - the dark & hidden ones that we think will never be found - have widespread impact on those around us. A "white" lie snowballs into a tangled web. A secret addiction grows to the point that priorities are shifted and the ones we love are the last thing on our minds. This is why it is so incredibly important that we deal with the sin NOW. Not after we clean up our act. But NOW.
Sin is a deadly force, sucking out the life and vitality out of everyone in its path. In fact, it is so violent that it resulted in the sacrifice of Christ on the Cross. It is not something that should be overlooked, swept under the rug, or covered up with the perfume of Grace. Rather it is to be as a mold exposed to pure sunlight, shriveled up and left to die so that we can move forward.
I came across a startling discovery the other day while cleaning the house. My middle child asked me if I would spend some time playing with her. I said "sure" and told her I would meet her in the other room.
I went into the other room and waited for a while, enjoying the brief respite from my cleaning. She never showed, so I got up and went back to cleaning. About 10 minutes later, Presley came into the room. "Dad, I thought you said you would play with me!?"
I explained that I had waited for her and she didn't come.
It then occurred to me that in my own spiritual walk, I have had the same cycle of emotions & reactions to God. While He "walked by", whether it was in the form of a powerfully emotive worship song or a bit of scripture that leaped off the page, I would emphatically ask, "God, will you spend time with me?"
"Sure, Kevin. I will meet you in the other room...."
And I never show. I get preoccupied with whatever else happens to be walking by and my excitement about spending time with Him is lost. Then, in the end, I blame God for it, asking why He never showed up.
In Jeremiah 29, God already promised us that He would be there:
"Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you."
So I walk away with this playful spirituality that remembers that God is in the other room and I don't have to ask Him to come. He's already there.
One of our 2012 goals at work was to integrate social media into our recruiting strategy. While I am not a recruiter, I have been involved in blogging, social media, etc since the late 90's. In fact, if you were to Google "Caedmon (my son) Leggett's dad", you would find a disturbing amount of pictures of me.I was very prolific early on in my blogging career and enjoyed the networking.
However, as I had more and more responsibilities at work, my social networking lifestyle took a turn and became second place to raising three children, being a husband, and trying to stay fresh and significant at work.
Unfortunately, my spiritual growth also took the back burner. While I maintained all the knowledge from my undergraduate studies, the connection I once had with Christ grew stagnant. It was like remembering a really good childhood friendship. You think about how great it was, and wish you could go back. But that seems like an impossible hope compared to the reality you now live in.
I'm just longing today.
My middle child turns 6 today and it makes me realize how quickly time has passed. I also realize that no one is stopping me from teetering the social world. Even more importantly, is that Christ is not some long forgotten friendship, but a very real and present king/friend waiting to breath life into me.
Father:
While reading your redemption story in the Old Testament, I am absolutely terrified of you. Not in a an awe inspiring, regal, standing-in-front-of-the-President terror. No, a genuinely, I want to hide like scared child tucked as tightly and far back in the closet as possible while the robbers rummage through the house. Scared that in a single moment, you could wipe my existence entirely from the books of history all because I have sinned. I have done you wrong.
And yet, in a paradox of sorts, my fear is left on the side of the road because when you beckon, I have no choice in the matter. My muscles betray me and force me to take step after step towards my own demise. Knowing this, knowing that if I were to be killed by anyone, I would want it to be you, my maker. So my soul cringes, waiting to be struck and only to find a warm embrace of grace, a forgiveness that passes all sense of mortal justice.
I have every reason to be in this place again, because I am created and you are Creator. It was destined from the very start of my existence and a calling in my daily life. With every breath, I find myself wanting this terrible thing, this Holy and Mighty, all consuming presence...all that is You. I want to be here.
And you can't have half of the redemption story because your son's sacrifice has purified my deepest stains. Bleached me to the bone. No longer a white washed tomb, but deeply, thoroughly cleaned child of God. All my fears tempered by the grace of Christ, who gave his life to save me from the fate I deserved.
Yet, I wonder. I am not a Jew. I am a Gentile. You came for the Jews, right? Those are your words, echoed in Your scriptures, something we so easily forget. But, yet you have drawn me in, pulled me close to your embrace, sheltered me time & time again from the harsh fray, and have called me your own. Your sacrifice wasn't for the Jews. Nor was it for the Gentiles. It was for humanity, your creation. It was that we would all come at your beckoning call.
I have heard that call, but still can not say with any sort of honesty that "all I need is you." I need my wife. I need her everyday, though she may not realize it. She is a source of comfort and the object of my affections. She has taught me that love is not simply a feeling but a choice. That you can love someone beyond their character and that you can know someone so much deeper than the surface. I need my children. They give me a sense of responsibility and a instill within me a deep joy and have redefined what it means to truly love, agape, unconditionally love someone. The instance they were born, I was in love. They had done nothing for me and I had a deep desire to fulfill their every need. They are a beautiful gift and one that will treasure until my last breath.
And through my family, I realize that all I need is you. I am those children in your eyes. I am that "bride" that Christ went to the cross for. I am loved.
Thank you for putting up with my fears and loving me all the same. Thank you for loving me beyond my doubts and short comings.
This is what it looks like from my window at the moment. It is a building that my company bought and is remodeling as our new office space in 2012.
Today at lunch, I noticed something about the workers. They were spread out on multiple floors each doing their own job. And if you watched long enough two workers would pass each other at the exact same moment, just on different floors. Neither one of them realized it either because there was no communication and their perspective was finitely bound to the floor they were on.
I wonder if this is how God views time, existing outside of it and watching our parallel lives happening day in and day out. At any point, God knows when something is going to happen that will impact both workers because He has the full picture. This is a reminder that I can trust Him in every situation because my perspective on the issue is so limited.
How often have you found yourself using the phrase, "why is God putting me through this?" Often it is during the trials of life and we rarely see it as an opportunity. Instead it is just another thing added to the insurmountable pile of responsibilities. This perspective is distorted.
God doesn't "put" people through things. Christ always "leads" (being the King of Kings and all). So instead of asking why he is putting us through something, we should ask why is He leading me through this?
That change of words has a powerful implication. Instead of you blindly stumbling through the obstacle, feeling beaten and worthless left to your own devices, you are in fact empowered to follow in His foot steps, treading on a solid foundation laid out by His experiences. Christ put it this way:
"If the people of this world hate you, just remember that they hated me first. If you belonged to the world, its people would love you. But you don’t belong to the world. I have chosen you to leave the world behind, and that is why its people hate you. Remember how I told you that servants are not greater than their master. So if people mistreat me, they will mistreat you. If they do what I say, they will do what you say. People will do to you exactly what they did to me. They will do it because you belong to me, and they don’t know the one who sent me." - Jesus Christ qtd in John 18.
Have you ever asked yourself to define the presence of God? I mean going beyond the concept of His omnipresence. We all get that He's every where at all times. There is more to this concept. There is solitude. There is seeking (on both parts). There is depth to the stillness and a profound sound to His love for us.
Henri Nouwen, in his book Out of Solitude says that "the secrecy of Jesus' ministry lies in solitude" and I agree. Stepping away from all the distractions and towards the presence of the Father on a regular basis has a profound impact on you every time. Christ was able to attend the needs of the multitudes because He spent so much time alone.
And if you think about it, this is what God intended all along. When Christ died, the veil split. The presence of God was symbolically and immediately accessible. And it is this raw presence that we seek.
Solitude is just the first step in understanding God's presence. As a parent it is almost second nature for me to crave time alone. When I do get those moments alone, God's presence is so peaceful, because it is a sharp contrast to the every day life of chaotic schedules, needful children, deadlines, and house work. So this leads me to believe there is something deeper when the presence of God is felt outside of solitude. I just don't know how to find it when:
the baby is sick and generally crying, the middle child has stubbed her toe, and the oldest is arguing about having to clean his room all at the same time. Meanwhile, you've spilled water because you were trying to get the dishes done.
your work has piled up because you had to take sick leave, but there's no grace in the deadlines
it's wednesday night and Bible study starts at six, you get home around 5:30 pm, you shovel supper down, rush off to come home at 8:30 to a mile high pile of dishes and a dirty kitchen
it is 10:30 at night and the kids will not stay in bed because they instinctively know you are working on the budget
I feel lime if I could tap into God's presence in those moments, I would gain a peace that truly passes all understanding.
Kevin Leggett is a Sr. Training Coordinator & Instructional Technologist with a background in raising three children while being raised himself by a talented wife all the while searching for authentic manhood, not to mention an Apple fanboy and lover of theology.
