Photo courtesy of Liz West

Two nights ago, I found myself in a place I had not been for quit some time:  at a round table, munching on less-than-nutritious snacks (read: pizza bites), listening to and conversing with other men about leaving a legacy of wisdom with our children and spouses.  Ironically, in my search for authentic manhood, I have avoided situations that involve a gathering of men in one room.  I often feel less than adequate and at a loss of words as they discuss manly things: sports, work,  the best road to take to get from one location to another.


This past Sunday we were invited to visit a friend's church.  Afterwards, one of the men invited me to their Bible study on Monday nights.  I don't know why I decided to go, but I took the bait and ended up enjoying the discussion.

The topic of the night was writing letters.  And while there was some "man" topics, eventually we were all focused on writing letters to the ones we love. One man shared how it impacted his relationship with his incarcerated son.  Another shared a letter written to him from a member of the church he left, wishing him the best where God was taking him and how much he would be missed. One shared about the importance of letters when he was in the military. The testimony on the video shared a man who had kept a letter from his father for 53 years!

Two things came out of the meeting:  I felt like I belonged and I felt loved by God.  Talking with these men seemed like a natural extension of the common bond of manhood and our relationship with Christ. We left challenged to expose our tender side in the lost art of letter writing.  At the same time, I gained perspective on God's word as a letter.

Letters have meaning because they are attached to relationship with a person. Whenever my wife leaves me a love letter, there is a tangible side to me holding something in my hand that she took time to craft into words. And because I know her, as opposed to a complete stranger, I feel instantly connected to the meaning behind the dialogue. Likewise, the more we get to know God, the more real scriptures will seem to our hearts.

via Runran

I came across a paradigm of leadership that was challenging and relevant: a mixture of patience and servanthood. To further illustrate my point, I have attempted to write this blog post 3 times due to the amount of interruptions by needy, exhausted children.

Our morning started off with a hectic rush of being late to a rifle shooting class for children taught by an ex-Navy Seal. The shooting range is located in a different, unfamiliar town and the sign was not easily marked. I punched the coordinates into Google Map (outstanding app btw) and compared them to the directions my wife printed ahead of time. Both lead me straight to a house that happens to be on the same longitude as the shooting range. The owner was friendly enough to point me in the right direction after indicating that I was not the first person to come to his house looking for the range. On the way to the range, I missed the turn and ended up driving to the next town. An hour of time and half a tank of gas later, we located the shooting range (and saved it in the GPS for future use).

Needless to say, once we found the place, I was stressed and frustrated. However, those feelings were long gone after watching my oldest son, Caedmon, shoot his way up to first place. The instructor was patient and taught the kids tactical maneuvers while giving them a range of firearms to shoot with including an assault rifle, .22 gauge rifle, and a lever action rifle. I won't pretend to know all their names, but I will say that I thoroughly enjoyed the learning experience.

Once I got home, I spent about 15 minutes before my wife pulled up, asking to go fix her flat tire. She was driving on a spare and we needed to change it as soon as possible. Sam's ended up not having the right equipment, so we drove over to Wal-mart, where in we walked out an hour and a half later. For those of you with out a toddler, you won't understand the magnitude of stress a parent goes through in order to entertain them for that long.

We eventually make it home, wherein the living room and kitchen are a disaster. My wife surprised me by renting the Hobbit (still can not believe I missed it in theaters. I am an uber LOTR fan). So, I picked up the rooms and headed outside for yard work. I postponed watching it, because Caedmon expressed interest in watching it with me. The plan was to come in, take a shower, pour a glass of iced coffee, and enjoy Middle Earth meekness to the max. When I came in from yard work, my wife had put a movie on for the younger two children. Essentially, I had cleaned their mess up so that they could watch a movie.

Needless to say, more frustration. I decided to take a shower and see what happens with the rest of the day. That's when I picked up the Every Man's Marriage book and looked over the notes from the last chapter I read. A note over the paradigm of bondservant leadership was highlighted:

A leader cannot be separated from submission and a bondservant of love must serve as a paradigm of leadership.

With this in mind, I questioned my motives of the day. Not all of the moments of service were done with joy, but I don't think they have to be. Rather, they were done with love and that is the motivating factor that distinguishes servanthood from self-service.

I took my son to a shooting class that I had no interest in attending because I love him. Was I frustrated? Understandably so. But it was rooted in love and was genuinely about spending some time with him. The same is true of cleaning and not saying a word about the movie (until a blog post they probably will never read). I love these little people so much that the paradigm of leadership in my family can truly become servanthood.

Photo via D H Wright

I had a very difficult conversation with my wife about 2 weeks ago. We had just dropped off the kids at their small group. Prior to this, I had finished a chapter in Every Man's Marriage by Fred Stoeker. At the end of the chapter, there was a list of questions to ask your wife and if she was willing to have a genuine, heartfelt and humbling conversation. As the words tumbled off my lips, I knew the answer before Amanda even began to speak:

Me:  Do I draw more prestige and self-esteem from my success as a leader and husband at home, or more from my work and other accomplishments?
Amanda  (without a pause): From work.

I knew it was true without hearing it. But why?

Well there are several factors that go into the equation, all of which involve me taking the weaker path, forsaking my definition of authentic manhood for a cheap knock off of self worth:

1. Recognition:  I think that every parent can relate to this point. Being a parent is often a thankless job in which you receive very little recognition for your eforts. You take care of, feed, cloth, love & cherish these little lives and most nights it goes unnoticed, because it is the norm, the expectation. The 2 year old had an accident...of course you'll clean it up. They dirty the pile of dishes and endlessly full laundry baskets...you'll clean it up, that's what parents do.
   
   At work, it's a different story. If I help out on a project, I get verbally recognized by my peers. Hear it enough times and that recognition eventually becomes part of your definition for success.
2. Compensation: Closely tied to recognition, you are hardly ever compensated for your success in the home, at least in a monetary sense.
   
   Whenever I meet or exceed expectations at my job, I am rewarded with paycheck, followed up by a substantial bonus every year. In a culture where success is tied to money, it is difficult to sever that definition from an authentic one.
3. Tangibility: This is by far the hardest one to grasp as a father. There are no metrics for being successful at parenthood, unless you count your children never ending up in jail and finding a decent job when they move out of the house. There is no job description, no offer letter, no interview process for becoming a parent.
   
   Yet, at my other job, I am paid to do a certain set of tasks. Those tasks are often clearly defined and make it easy for me to measure my success.

At the end of the day, the Return on Investment in my family outweighs that of my investment in my career. Namely because eternity is at stake. I am their example of what a true, authentic relationship with Christ means. They could potentially leave God because they found no value in my investments, where the words of my mouth did not match the actions of my heart.

Not sure how I stumbled across this blog post, but my gut feeling tells me that it was a Facebook post. Regardless, I've read a couple of times and sums up many things I feel towards fatherhood and my search for authentic manhood:

http://adellegabrielson.wordpress.com/2013/04/09/in-defense-of-dads/

Thanks to Adelle for her fresh honesty.

Today's controversial topic is brought to you by 1 Peter 3:7.

Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you  of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

Fine China

This is not an insult to women, but rather a beautiful analogy of how marriage should be. Think of the phrase "weaker vessel" as "fine china". Our wives are precious, to be handled delicately. When they are knocked off the shelf, real men throw their backs out to catch them. The pain accompanied with a strained back is little compared to the cost of a shattered spouse.

I can't share the truth of scriptures without being transparent. The painful truth be told: I never really thought of Amanda as fine china. She's always come across to me as bold and independent. In fact, during our courtship, those were the qualities I admired. Amanda expressed individuality in the way she dressed and carried herself. She wore sneakers with her skirt (it was a long skirt perverts) and wasn't afraid to dye her hair to match whatever crazy color I had at the time. She was so interesting to talk to and was bold, asking for my number before I got hers.

I misinterpreted this boldness as not needing me to be a strong foundation for her to rely on. I expected her to forge her own relationship with God and didn't buy into that "spiritual leader" crap. Boy was I wrong! Amanda is exactly how God designed her to be, needing a husband who patiently leads her, encouraging her expressiveness to take hold of our marriage and shape our children into the beautiful people God designed them to be.

Hindered Prayers

When viewed from the scriptures, our wives become so much more important to our daily lives and spiritual growth. The latter part really hit home with me, in particular when it indicated that my prayer life was affected by the way I treated my wife:

Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you  of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

Did you get that? Read in reverse, a husband's prayers are hindered if they do not honor their wives. Wow! Really? You mean that God won't hear me out if I refuse to take my role in honoring Amanda seriously? Yep!

This explains so much and would have helped me avoid many stumbling obstacles through out my 13 years of marriage. I just didn't see her as that "important" to my spiritual growth. Because of my upbringing (read: testimony), my spiritual walk was of my own forging: a private, personal voyage with God wherein I only shared with others through evangelism. Amanda, in my eyes, had no impact on my spiritual growth.  Yet, like fine china, she is invaluable to the progress of my relationship with God.

Ephesians 5:22-28, Colossians 3:19, and 1 Peter 3:7.  What do they have in common? At first glance, they are the essential verses on marriage. However, I would challenge the men in my readership to dig a little deeper to add a new concept to their definition of authentic manhood: submission.

 Upon first reading this, I didn't have a problem with it. As I mentioned before, when it comes to the typical "warrior face" of manhood, I lean more towards the "lover face" (see posts on Series 33 for more details). In other words, I am not a typical alpha male with a dominating personality.  More often than not, I will give up what I want so I don't have to fight it out. It's a humbling confession, I know, but its the truth. And it is not submission. It is weak and selfish with the hidden intent of ending an argument instead of seeking oneness with my wife, and truly hearing her out.

Define Submission

An authentic man will submit to his wife, in the same way Christ submitted to the Church.  Paul puts it this way:

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of the word.
Christ could not have given himself up for the Church without submission. And that submission is driven first by a desire for Yeshua to obey God and second by a love for His bride. In the same way, an authentic man will give up what he can in order to pursue his wife, even to the point of death. Amanda truly is the most important person in my life.

Two Faces

If I were to let you into my marriage, you would discover something. I treat Amanda different than other people (and not in a good way). My job requires a great deal of patience teaching people how to utilize software to do their jobs more efficiently. Sometimes, I have students who have little or no background in computers and are truly at my mercy to transfer those skills on. I have an innate ability to explain seemingly complex technical ideas in simple terms. So, I find myself patient and encouraging to those around me.  However, when I come home, I am a different person. I expect my wife to forgive me when I am stressed out. Amanda becomes the person I vent to about my frustrations. At the same time, I can quickly lose my patience with her. After 13 years, I know she is not perfect and how could she expect the same out of me!  

That is the root of my problem and what I take away from my encounter with the scriptures today. My wife should be treated better than anyone else in my life, because she is more important than them. Reader, Amanda is more important than you (at least in my life). Without Amanda in my life I would be crushed, and yet, I don't seem to treat her that way. Instead of building her up, supporting & encouraging her, demonstrating patience, I often use Amanda as springboard to get things off my chest.

 It is natural for spouses to vent to each other, because we love and find comfort in one another. But if that is all Amanda ever hears from me, then I am no better than a dominating husband. It is just another form of trampling, because I am not giving her a foundation to stand on. Instead, words of encouragement should be the main course of our exchange. A great take away from the scriptures today.

Having finished the 31 Series on Authentic Manhood, I picked up my copy of Every Man's Marriage by Fred Stoeker and Stephen Arterburn. If I want to be truly honest with you reader, I am a little trepidacious about inviting you to pick apart my marriage under the lens of searching for authentic manhood. At the same time, I think that we grow  best through exposure to truth & transparency. With that in mind, I finished the first section of Every Man's Marriage.

When Love Grows Cold

Fred Stoeker laid it all out on the line in the first section (When Love Grows Cold) with a refreshingly honest dissection of the mistakes he made in his own marriage that lead his wife to admit that her love for him had died. I had mixed reactions of both fear and relief.

My biggest fear would to hear Amanda say those same things to me. And yet at the same time, this was all too close to reality in the early stages of our now going on 13 years of marriage. We were both very young, immature, and had a child on our first anniversary. My fight or flight response was to immaturely bury myself in video games as a form of escapism, that drove my wife further and further away. Things have changed drastically since those first couple of years! But nevertheless, you could say that our love had grown cold in those early years.

The Take Away

I identified with Fred on two levels: it was rough & it was worth it. Fred outlined some rookie mistakes that lead him to unintentionally trample his wife. Yet, he stands now with a strong marriage because he resolved to push through the infancy into maturity as an equal with his wife. While those dark days are long gone in my own marriage, there are times when my temper gets the best of me. Does my wife feel trampled? Does Amanda ever feel like I would choose someone else's side over hers?

So I left the chapter with an acute sense of my own actions and how they affect my family. I And while this was written with marriage in mind, the core truths serve Christianity as a whole asking disciples to be mindful of their own relationships (friends, family, significant others, etc.).

How about you? Ever experienced "love gone cold"? What did you learn from the process?

So we've talked about the King & the Warrior face in our search for authentic manhood. The next face is probably the most difficult for men and that is the Lover Face.  It is associated with tender sensitivity and emotional openess. Here's a couple of scenarios that come to mind:

• A man who gives up a pre-planned night with a friend because his wife is at the end of her rope with the children.
• Let's go of a business deal to spend time at home
• A student to his kid's needs emotionally and physically.

Don't get me wrong: we all need our down time. But if down time is all you are, then you missed the mark. In 1 Thessalonians 2, Paul paints a picture of a tender warrior:

But we were gentle among you, like a nursing mother taking care of her own children. So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves, because you had become very dear to us. For you remember, brothers, our labor and toil: we worked night and day, that we might not be a burden to any of you, while we proclaimed to you the gospel of God.

We see that Paul's heart ached to be with the congregation in Thessalonica and while he was there, they were sensitive enough to avoid being a burden.

Dark Side

Of course the Lover Face is not without its flaws or distortions.

• Too Much - Becomes a micro manager; comments on everything; notices too much
• Too Little - Isolated; Withdrawn; No relational capactity.

Personally

I find the Lover Face the easiest of them all, which is ironic because the Warrior Face is the hardest for me. On any given day, you will find me kissing, hugging, & loving my children from head to toe (as long as they let me).  I thoroughly enjoying writing personal cards instead of buying store bought ones. I have an entire playlist of music dedicated to love songs that remind me of my wife. And while I am not always on target, I try my best to be sensitive and aware of how life is affecting my family.

My take away is that I really need to work on balancing this with the other faces, especially the Warrior one.

In searching for authentic manhood, I stumbled across this short film called "The Father Effect". It is a powerful, humbling insight into the effect that growing up without a father has on children. I've already recognized the impact of growing up without a dad had on my life and marriage. Within minutes of watching the video, a tear was running down my cheek. I still have not defined what Fatherhood looks like for me, what is expected of me as a husband and a dad, and am angry that all of it was beyond my control.  I don't know if what I am doing is enough & sincerely hope that I can only steer my own children towards a right relationship with God as it was the only redeeming constant in my tumultuous childhood.

Check out the video over here: http://youtu.be/_iZnFPXVJ60

Now that you have the King Face down, let's talk about the Warrior Face. This is the one that feels most natural to most men & is probably the one most recognized by our culture. It reflects a courageous energy that is characterized by these four points:

Initiative
Protection
Provision
Perseverance

A true warrior takes initiative for a greater purpose. His assertiveness is submitted to God. He does not look for an easy out. Instead, he is willing to sacrifice & struggle to accomplish something great & meaningful. An authentic man outlasts the competition, is not a quitter and rises above comfort & security to get things done. He fights for a better life & the betterment of other with purpose. Paul puts it this way in 1 Cor. 9:24-27:

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified. 

Dark side:

• Too Much - becomes abusive & harsh; doesn't know when to stop ;becomes a destroyer
• Too Little - a wimp; easily gives up; sets in passivity in "boy" land; no maturity or growth

Personally

This is perhaps the hardest face for me to accomplish, despite it being the most popular. And I think that if most Christian men were honest, they would feel the same way.  We were raised in a Church culture were men are taught to be nice & polite, that offending someone is considered a sin, and that "turning your cheek" is black & white.

If Christ were to walk into our sanctuary and flip over the altar tables, we would think him a mad man. Yet, this righteous anger of Christ is captured in the gospel story and in my opinion is the perfect example of the warrior face.

Last week, we talked about redefining manhood through the lens of the two Adams & by identifying the primary problem facing men today: passivity. This week I want to look at how media & culture currently identify men.  Our culture tends to portray men in one dimensional tough & emotionally void caricatures such as the CEO or the guy with all the toys.

The Bible paints a different picture of a multidimensional manhood defined by a broad masculinity that expresses itself appropriately & passionately using various the various faces of a King, a Warrior, a Lover & a Friend. Take a look at King David: slew a giant in his youth, fought wars, lead a Kingdom, and in his spare time wrote poems & played a harp. 

King Face: Lead with Integrity

The first face is one that reflects these principles:

• Strong convictions
• Courageous moral choices
• Servent spirit
• Righteous leadership

When given a chance to take advantage of someone, the King Face chooses the higher path. When asked to keep a promise, the King Face does so even when it is difficult. When given the opportunity to lie, steal or cheat without anyone knowing, the King Face chooses integrity. The King Face is so solid at  its core that it gives direction in the midst of confusion.

Look at the story of Nathan and David in 2 Samuel. I am sure you are familiar with the story: David sees a woman bathing (Bathsheba), sends her husband to the front lines of the war to be killed so that King David could sleep with her.  Nathan knew that he could be expelled from the Kingdom, thrown into prison, or worse, killed,  and yet, he still chose to approach King David and tell him that he was wrong. Incidentally, King David chose to show his "king face" as well because he owned up to his mistakes and asked for forgiveness. 

 

An incredibly powerful face, but not without its faults:

• Too Much - if left unchecked, the King Face can become an overbearing tyrant trampling all the relationships around him.
• Too Little  - a man who lacks the King Face will find himself compromising on those things that matter most.

Personally

I don't have a problem with the King Face in my own life. I went through a terrible childhood and came out the other side morally grounded, rooted in the essence of Christ and protected by the Grace of God. In my own life, I need to work on reestablishing those early connections so that I am not compromising unintentionally.

Photo via JD Hancock

In last few weeks, I have been rediscovering authentic manhood and establish a definition to challenge myself and live by as I love my wife, lead my children, and bring value to my workplace.

In 1 Corinthians 15:45-49, there is a comparison of Adam & Christ.

 45 The first man was named Adam, and the Scriptures tell us that he was a living person. But Jesus, who may be called the last Adam, is a life-giving spirit. 46We see that the one with a spiritual body did not come first. He came after the one who had a physical body. 47The first man was made from the dust of the earth, but the second man came from heaven. 48Everyone on earth has a body like the body of the one who was made from the dust of the earth. And everyone in heaven has a body like the body of the one who came from heaven. 49Just as we are like the one who was made out of earth, we will be like the one who came from heaven.

Through this comparison, we establish a definition for authentic manhood. In the Genesis account, God gave Adam three specific responsibilities to follow:

1. God gave man a will to obey.
2. God gave man a work to do.
3. God gave man a woman to love.

The first realization is that there is a will greater than our own to follow. In Adam's case, he was told not to eat from Tree of Knowledge.  It was a simple rule. The 10 commandments had not been established. There were no levitical laws to follow: simply, do not eat from the Tree. Obey a will greater than his own. God also gave Adam work to do in the caring of the garden, naming the animals, etc. And ultimately, he gave Adam his wife, Eve to love, cherish, lead and serve. Yet, we see in all three accounts, Adam failed.

So did Christ - the second Adam -  follow these three specific rules?  You can't get a complete picture of biblical manhood without looking at Christ. If we look at his life, we will see Christ was given the same responsibilities as the first Adam, except Christ was victorious:

1. Christ followed God's will even to the point of death. John 4:34
2. Christ accomplished all the work God had for him. John 17:4
3. Christ loved the Church, his bride. Ephesians 5:25

Comparing the two: One man's example is worth throwing out. One man's example is worth keeping.

In the first Adam we're broken. In the second Adam we're redeemed. Every man will walk in the shadow of one of these two men.

Original Study via 33 Series

The other day I talked about walking down the "Way of the Fruit". It was one of the examples that we pull from the Genesis account about Adam as the first man, setting a supremely poor stage for the rest of us to fall suit.  I never turned to alcohol or drugs as my form of escapism and makes a great transition into the next topic I wanted to talk about.

There is also the "Way of the Fig".  You see, Adam hid in shame of what he had done.  Rather than confronting the problem, owning the mistake, cultivating an opportunity to make things right...he hid behind fig leaves. There is another breed of man prevalent in mainstream culture (more so within the Christian culture) that criticizes and hides. Adam immediately passed the blame to his wife, when he should have stood in the gap for her.

I like Adam. We are very similar in our approaches to life and I look forward to meeting him someday. Since I never buried myself in rebellious and/or promiscuous   activities, it was easy for me to judge and even hate other men. Especially the Alpha males. Even to this day, I have a hard time being around the A Type personalities. Part of my ill disposition towards them is due the overwhelming sense of pride and self-worth they tend to project on others. The other part has to do with my own insecurities of not knowing how to define manhood.

The truth is that I have met several A Type men in my life that have proven my perception of that stereotype wrong. My eyes were blinded my own self-righteousness and I found still find myself doing the things that I judge them for. Often I would fast and made sure to let others know...needed them to pray for me right? Those other guys aren't fasting like me. Wow, what an a$#h@!3 I was! Spiritually immature and childish.

We don't approach Christ while judging others. There is a season and a time for rebuking pride, especially when it endangers or puts down others. But for every season of judgement, there are three seasons of mercy & grace.

Have you ever found yourself in the "Way of the Fig"? So caught up in your own self-righteousness that you judge others rather than moving forward in action? How did you handle it?

In yesterday's post, I reflected on the story of Adam and his epic fail in Genesis in light of defining authentic manhood in my own life.  Today, I want to focus on the fruit: a deadly combination of desire and destruction.  Adam's demise stemmed from a false security that the fruit (or any substance) could bring Him pleasure outside of God. There are men who live their entire lives under the same premise. We call it "The Way of the Fruit".

These men peruse life as childish consumers, believing that the world exists for their pleasure. They move from one fix to the next, mindlessly investing their time & money into excessive hobbies.  They will often buy whatever they want or find a means to, giving into the marketers who sell one false illusion of manhood after another. I don't have to reach any further than my shower to pick up a bottle of Axe shampoo to find this. On the back of  the bottle is a silhouette of a man with a woman on each side. It's shampoo for crying out loud!

The further down this road they go, the more destructive their obsessions become. Ultimately, it leads to using people to further their own means and an incredibly distorted view of priorities. They will trade in precious time with their spouse or family to play the latest video game for hours on end, neglecting those around them and themselves.  Bills go unpaid while the latest gadget sit around their homes. It is a very destructive path.

In other words, these men simply live to consume, when they were created to create & cultivate.

And sadly, this defines my own life, especially in the first years of my marriage. At the age 21, I was married with a newborn in our house. We barely made ends meet financially, often relying on family & friends to pay the bills. My escape was in video games. I played every free moment I had, leaving my wife to take care of the baby and eventually toddler by herself. Gone were the conversations that grew us together; those moments of discovering each other were thrown out the window because I was childish, foolish, and less than a man.  Looking back, I am ashamed of my behavior and neglect of her. Living in her constant graces for not walking out on me.

The Way of the Fruit was not for me. What about you reader? Ever found yourself there?

A horrible thing happened to me when I was 7 years old. The rain had just started, when my mother and I were in the kitchen making lunch. Chucky, my younger brother, was off participating in some sort of mischief playing as he was fond of doing. My father was outside welding on the car, which to this day has baffled me.  Mom asked me to go get him from outside and let me know that lunch is ready.

I ran outside to find his limp & lifeless body lying under the car. It was confusing and I didn't understand at the time that he was dead. I went and told mom, and the next thing I know we are running down the road to where my grandparents lived.  The rain had short circuited the welding machine and the car acted as a lethal conduit stealing my father's last breath.  From there on out, it was life without a father. My mother turned to alcohol, drinking as an escape to dull the pain. 

My brother and I were left to grow up on our own, leaving us to discover what it mean to be a man on our own. Sure there were men in our lives, but more often than not, they left a bad example, further supporting my mother's drinking habits. As far as I can tell, she met all of them in a bar.

It is no surprise then, that I entered into my marriage without a clear picture of God's intent for manhood. My definition was poorly defined, a piecemeal of sorts, as I sought out mentors in the congregations I grew up in. This week's reflection on authentic manhood, took me back to redefining my own manhood and touch on some sore points that accurately described me in the initial stages of my marriage.

Pulled straight out of Genesis, we see that man was designed from the very beginning to do two things: create & cultivate. Made in His image (Gen. 1:27), we reflect God's initial actions in the Garden. And ultimately, we see that Adam failed this image. He sat idly on the bench, while his wife was making the worst play in her entire life. At any point in time, Adam could have stepped in, put his foot down and lead his family in the right direction. This connects with me as I have seen some huge mistakes in my marriage that I could have prevented; some foxes in the vineyard who stole precious time, intimacy, & resources right from under our noses. And I watched idly as he did so.

While the story of the first man starts in Genesis, it doesn't end there. God was kind & loving, redeeming in his actions. While they were forced to leave Eden because of their sin, God clothed our fore parents and continued to help them prosper in a sin stained life.  Ultimately, God saw fit to extend that grace through Christ redeeming all of us from the first flaw (Romans 5:8) and through His example we can travel back to our original purposes.

In my own marriage, it has been difficult to navigate life without a clear definition of my role as a man. I am thankful for the grace Christ has shown during my many failures. I am striving to create & cultivate a life that reflects this grace, all the while communicating with my wife and especially my children what it means to have God has their Father, for He alone surpasses my mistakes and fills in the gaps dug from a life with an alcoholic mother and no earthly father. 

What about you reader? What do you see as the purpose of men in your life?

 

Read my full testimony

I came across an alarming article over the holidays that identified dads as the #10 most wanted item for Christmas in the Stratford & London. This made me wonder about the current condition of manhood in America and if I am completely honest with you reader, some of my own distorted views of manhood. Growing up without a father has left some confusion and unfortunately, brought some baggage into my own marriage. So in 2013, I decided to search for authentic manhood as a means of growing in all areas of my life.

I started the 33 Series and it has me off to a good start, hitting home with several considerations about the current state of manhood and what factors lead to this condition.

• Men are confused about manhood. - Our culture has created a series of false illusions about how to define manhood, some of which send conflicting messages. In my own life, I have felt the pressure to define manhood by my abilities to: fix things around my house and on my car, knowledge of shooting & hunting, understand what is going on in the general world of sports, make more money. When does manhood begin? Is it after your first sexual experience, when you get married, when you hit 30 years old?
• Men are in pain. - We generally don't want to talk about the pains in our life because it reveals a vulnerability.  Men are supposed to have it all together, so that we can tell others how to "fix" their own problems. So if something is bothering us we typically will let it build up until we explode into some irrational fit throwing.
• Men are disillusioned about life. - Because we don't know how to define what we are, we often have unrealistic expectations about life, marriage, and family.  Since we work all day, we expect to come home to a clean house. Since we bring home all the money, we expect to be able to buy whatever we want. Since our wives are so intuitive, we expect them to know when something would upset us.

So how did we arrive at this state? History over the last 200 years has greatly influenced and redefined manhood, pulling us away from our original purpose. Some of the events that have affected us are:

• Industrial Revolution - prior to this era, society was agriculturally centered, placing men in and around the home, working the land.  Children had the opportunity to go to the field with dad and pick up on his bits of wisdom as shared the tips of the trade. In today's society, men leave work for 9+ hours and come home exhausted with little time for family.
• World Wars - the back to back wars took a generation of men out of their already neglected homes to serve our country in a time of need. It was a sacrifice that adversely affected the state of manhood as a generation of boys grew up with their dads gone. When dads returned from war, they were not the same, often suffering from post traumatic stress disorder and other similar problems.
• Feminism - this movement started off as a great thing, asking for equality for women. However, it changed the cultural landscape when it steered towards defining men and women as the same.  While both genders are equal, they are most certainly not the same. They should have the same amount of respect, pay, etc. but at the core of their being they are suited for different roles in life.
• Extended Adolescence - rather than launching into starting a career and family straight out of college, many men are holding out to get as much fun out of life as long as possible.  Staying single longer, buying more toys, etc. has redefined a man's status by what they have and the amount of fun they're having else where.