Photo courtesy of Liz West

Two nights ago, I found myself in a place I had not been for quit some time:  at a round table, munching on less-than-nutritious snacks (read: pizza bites), listening to and conversing with other men about leaving a legacy of wisdom with our children and spouses.  Ironically, in my search for authentic manhood, I have avoided situations that involve a gathering of men in one room.  I often feel less than adequate and at a loss of words as they discuss manly things: sports, work,  the best road to take to get from one location to another.


This past Sunday we were invited to visit a friend's church.  Afterwards, one of the men invited me to their Bible study on Monday nights.  I don't know why I decided to go, but I took the bait and ended up enjoying the discussion.

The topic of the night was writing letters.  And while there was some "man" topics, eventually we were all focused on writing letters to the ones we love. One man shared how it impacted his relationship with his incarcerated son.  Another shared a letter written to him from a member of the church he left, wishing him the best where God was taking him and how much he would be missed. One shared about the importance of letters when he was in the military. The testimony on the video shared a man who had kept a letter from his father for 53 years!

Two things came out of the meeting:  I felt like I belonged and I felt loved by God.  Talking with these men seemed like a natural extension of the common bond of manhood and our relationship with Christ. We left challenged to expose our tender side in the lost art of letter writing.  At the same time, I gained perspective on God's word as a letter.

Letters have meaning because they are attached to relationship with a person. Whenever my wife leaves me a love letter, there is a tangible side to me holding something in my hand that she took time to craft into words. And because I know her, as opposed to a complete stranger, I feel instantly connected to the meaning behind the dialogue. Likewise, the more we get to know God, the more real scriptures will seem to our hearts.

It's almost the end of Mother's Day on Southern Planes of Texas, so instead of focusing on authentic manhood, it seems appropriate to explore the meaning of motherhood. I was raised by an alcoholic mother with no father, so my understanding of a mom may differ in parts from the norm. Yet, at the same time, I have watched my wife mother three children over the past 11 years, so there is some merit in redefining it.

1. Motherhood is not following Proverbs 31 to the last letter. There is many a women's ministry that means well pushing women to follow the godly example outlined in Lemeul's work, but I think it adversely distorts a mother's perception of reality.  A woman cannot expect to fully follow the commands any more than a man can expect to love his bride as Christ loves the church.  It is a goal, not a measurement of woman's worth.
   
2. Mother's do not have to find a career outside the home. I firmly agree that women should be treated equally in the workplace (after all I work in an HR dept.), but that does not mean they were created equal. They have different needs, desires, and sources of fulfillment. They should not feel forced to work outside the home in order to be successful in life. Rather, a stay at home mom (especially the one who homeschools) has a full time job raising the kids, while the husband is at work. Not that dad shouldn't pitch in when he comes home, but that 9 to 5 business of being a personal taxi service, ad hoc nurse, on the fly arbiter is a magnitude of responsibility for one person to manage on their own.
   
   At the same time, I want to be very clear with my intent. I have no problem with the many moms who choose to work outside the home. More power to you, if that's what you feel comfortable doing. My faith is strong and wide enough to understand that God has something in store for the women in their sphere of influence (read: ministry) at work as much as the stay at home mom. Just making the point that you are not less than a mom just because you don't contribute financially to the household.
   
3. Mother's do not live in Martha Stewart's house.  This is by far the hardest lesson I have learned. For many years, I had this unrealistic expectation that our house should be spic and span at all times. The reality of the situation is two fold. If you are a stay at home mom, then your hands are full with taking care of the children. Likewise, if you are at work all day, you are just as exhausted coming home. The cleanliness of your house does not define how successful you are at being a mom!
   
4. Mothers need help to be mothers.  Parenthood was never intended to be a one sided job. It's too much responsibility for one person! It takes two to create and two to take care of them once they've been created. Authentic men will be servants to the wives needs, pitching in around the house and actively raising the children. In turn, this gives the moms the freedom and breathing room to grow into their role as a mother. I have also found that we learn from each other's parenting style, when we are working together.
   
5. Authentic mothers are rooted in God. Seems like a natural enough statement, but often gets overlooked in our American Christian subcultures. We hear many a sermon about how the man is the spiritual leader of the family. But in reality, a mother is just as responsible for representing Christ to her children as dad. God doesn't let you off the hook on the account of following the husband's lead (check out Adam and Eve for more details). Rather, in order to grow into the role of motherhood, you have to go to the source who created it in the first place. 

Photo via D H Wright

I had a very difficult conversation with my wife about 2 weeks ago. We had just dropped off the kids at their small group. Prior to this, I had finished a chapter in Every Man's Marriage by Fred Stoeker. At the end of the chapter, there was a list of questions to ask your wife and if she was willing to have a genuine, heartfelt and humbling conversation. As the words tumbled off my lips, I knew the answer before Amanda even began to speak:

Me:  Do I draw more prestige and self-esteem from my success as a leader and husband at home, or more from my work and other accomplishments?
Amanda  (without a pause): From work.

I knew it was true without hearing it. But why?

Well there are several factors that go into the equation, all of which involve me taking the weaker path, forsaking my definition of authentic manhood for a cheap knock off of self worth:

1. Recognition:  I think that every parent can relate to this point. Being a parent is often a thankless job in which you receive very little recognition for your eforts. You take care of, feed, cloth, love & cherish these little lives and most nights it goes unnoticed, because it is the norm, the expectation. The 2 year old had an accident...of course you'll clean it up. They dirty the pile of dishes and endlessly full laundry baskets...you'll clean it up, that's what parents do.
   
   At work, it's a different story. If I help out on a project, I get verbally recognized by my peers. Hear it enough times and that recognition eventually becomes part of your definition for success.
2. Compensation: Closely tied to recognition, you are hardly ever compensated for your success in the home, at least in a monetary sense.
   
   Whenever I meet or exceed expectations at my job, I am rewarded with paycheck, followed up by a substantial bonus every year. In a culture where success is tied to money, it is difficult to sever that definition from an authentic one.
3. Tangibility: This is by far the hardest one to grasp as a father. There are no metrics for being successful at parenthood, unless you count your children never ending up in jail and finding a decent job when they move out of the house. There is no job description, no offer letter, no interview process for becoming a parent.
   
   Yet, at my other job, I am paid to do a certain set of tasks. Those tasks are often clearly defined and make it easy for me to measure my success.

At the end of the day, the Return on Investment in my family outweighs that of my investment in my career. Namely because eternity is at stake. I am their example of what a true, authentic relationship with Christ means. They could potentially leave God because they found no value in my investments, where the words of my mouth did not match the actions of my heart.

Today's controversial topic is brought to you by 1 Peter 3:7.

Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you  of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

Fine China

This is not an insult to women, but rather a beautiful analogy of how marriage should be. Think of the phrase "weaker vessel" as "fine china". Our wives are precious, to be handled delicately. When they are knocked off the shelf, real men throw their backs out to catch them. The pain accompanied with a strained back is little compared to the cost of a shattered spouse.

I can't share the truth of scriptures without being transparent. The painful truth be told: I never really thought of Amanda as fine china. She's always come across to me as bold and independent. In fact, during our courtship, those were the qualities I admired. Amanda expressed individuality in the way she dressed and carried herself. She wore sneakers with her skirt (it was a long skirt perverts) and wasn't afraid to dye her hair to match whatever crazy color I had at the time. She was so interesting to talk to and was bold, asking for my number before I got hers.

I misinterpreted this boldness as not needing me to be a strong foundation for her to rely on. I expected her to forge her own relationship with God and didn't buy into that "spiritual leader" crap. Boy was I wrong! Amanda is exactly how God designed her to be, needing a husband who patiently leads her, encouraging her expressiveness to take hold of our marriage and shape our children into the beautiful people God designed them to be.

Hindered Prayers

When viewed from the scriptures, our wives become so much more important to our daily lives and spiritual growth. The latter part really hit home with me, in particular when it indicated that my prayer life was affected by the way I treated my wife:

Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you  of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

Did you get that? Read in reverse, a husband's prayers are hindered if they do not honor their wives. Wow! Really? You mean that God won't hear me out if I refuse to take my role in honoring Amanda seriously? Yep!

This explains so much and would have helped me avoid many stumbling obstacles through out my 13 years of marriage. I just didn't see her as that "important" to my spiritual growth. Because of my upbringing (read: testimony), my spiritual walk was of my own forging: a private, personal voyage with God wherein I only shared with others through evangelism. Amanda, in my eyes, had no impact on my spiritual growth.  Yet, like fine china, she is invaluable to the progress of my relationship with God.

Ephesians 5:22-28, Colossians 3:19, and 1 Peter 3:7.  What do they have in common? At first glance, they are the essential verses on marriage. However, I would challenge the men in my readership to dig a little deeper to add a new concept to their definition of authentic manhood: submission.

 Upon first reading this, I didn't have a problem with it. As I mentioned before, when it comes to the typical "warrior face" of manhood, I lean more towards the "lover face" (see posts on Series 33 for more details). In other words, I am not a typical alpha male with a dominating personality.  More often than not, I will give up what I want so I don't have to fight it out. It's a humbling confession, I know, but its the truth. And it is not submission. It is weak and selfish with the hidden intent of ending an argument instead of seeking oneness with my wife, and truly hearing her out.

Define Submission

An authentic man will submit to his wife, in the same way Christ submitted to the Church.  Paul puts it this way:

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of the word.
Christ could not have given himself up for the Church without submission. And that submission is driven first by a desire for Yeshua to obey God and second by a love for His bride. In the same way, an authentic man will give up what he can in order to pursue his wife, even to the point of death. Amanda truly is the most important person in my life.

Two Faces

If I were to let you into my marriage, you would discover something. I treat Amanda different than other people (and not in a good way). My job requires a great deal of patience teaching people how to utilize software to do their jobs more efficiently. Sometimes, I have students who have little or no background in computers and are truly at my mercy to transfer those skills on. I have an innate ability to explain seemingly complex technical ideas in simple terms. So, I find myself patient and encouraging to those around me.  However, when I come home, I am a different person. I expect my wife to forgive me when I am stressed out. Amanda becomes the person I vent to about my frustrations. At the same time, I can quickly lose my patience with her. After 13 years, I know she is not perfect and how could she expect the same out of me!  

That is the root of my problem and what I take away from my encounter with the scriptures today. My wife should be treated better than anyone else in my life, because she is more important than them. Reader, Amanda is more important than you (at least in my life). Without Amanda in my life I would be crushed, and yet, I don't seem to treat her that way. Instead of building her up, supporting & encouraging her, demonstrating patience, I often use Amanda as springboard to get things off my chest.

 It is natural for spouses to vent to each other, because we love and find comfort in one another. But if that is all Amanda ever hears from me, then I am no better than a dominating husband. It is just another form of trampling, because I am not giving her a foundation to stand on. Instead, words of encouragement should be the main course of our exchange. A great take away from the scriptures today.

Having finished the 31 Series on Authentic Manhood, I picked up my copy of Every Man's Marriage by Fred Stoeker and Stephen Arterburn. If I want to be truly honest with you reader, I am a little trepidacious about inviting you to pick apart my marriage under the lens of searching for authentic manhood. At the same time, I think that we grow  best through exposure to truth & transparency. With that in mind, I finished the first section of Every Man's Marriage.

When Love Grows Cold

Fred Stoeker laid it all out on the line in the first section (When Love Grows Cold) with a refreshingly honest dissection of the mistakes he made in his own marriage that lead his wife to admit that her love for him had died. I had mixed reactions of both fear and relief.

My biggest fear would to hear Amanda say those same things to me. And yet at the same time, this was all too close to reality in the early stages of our now going on 13 years of marriage. We were both very young, immature, and had a child on our first anniversary. My fight or flight response was to immaturely bury myself in video games as a form of escapism, that drove my wife further and further away. Things have changed drastically since those first couple of years! But nevertheless, you could say that our love had grown cold in those early years.

The Take Away

I identified with Fred on two levels: it was rough & it was worth it. Fred outlined some rookie mistakes that lead him to unintentionally trample his wife. Yet, he stands now with a strong marriage because he resolved to push through the infancy into maturity as an equal with his wife. While those dark days are long gone in my own marriage, there are times when my temper gets the best of me. Does my wife feel trampled? Does Amanda ever feel like I would choose someone else's side over hers?

So I left the chapter with an acute sense of my own actions and how they affect my family. I And while this was written with marriage in mind, the core truths serve Christianity as a whole asking disciples to be mindful of their own relationships (friends, family, significant others, etc.).

How about you? Ever experienced "love gone cold"? What did you learn from the process?

Now that you have the King Face down, let's talk about the Warrior Face. This is the one that feels most natural to most men & is probably the one most recognized by our culture. It reflects a courageous energy that is characterized by these four points:

Initiative
Protection
Provision
Perseverance

A true warrior takes initiative for a greater purpose. His assertiveness is submitted to God. He does not look for an easy out. Instead, he is willing to sacrifice & struggle to accomplish something great & meaningful. An authentic man outlasts the competition, is not a quitter and rises above comfort & security to get things done. He fights for a better life & the betterment of other with purpose. Paul puts it this way in 1 Cor. 9:24-27:

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified. 

Dark side:

• Too Much - becomes abusive & harsh; doesn't know when to stop ;becomes a destroyer
• Too Little - a wimp; easily gives up; sets in passivity in "boy" land; no maturity or growth

Personally

This is perhaps the hardest face for me to accomplish, despite it being the most popular. And I think that if most Christian men were honest, they would feel the same way.  We were raised in a Church culture were men are taught to be nice & polite, that offending someone is considered a sin, and that "turning your cheek" is black & white.

If Christ were to walk into our sanctuary and flip over the altar tables, we would think him a mad man. Yet, this righteous anger of Christ is captured in the gospel story and in my opinion is the perfect example of the warrior face.